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h o t

may I submit EXHIBIT A:

What kind of fucked up world do we live in where the LOW is 94˚?

May I also note that it is not yet 10 am and the temperature is 94˚. In the time that it took to capture that image and write this post, it climbed to 99˚.

I must publish this post before my computer melts.

I would like to say that the lightening storms are phenominal!


the "drug" store...

Whenever I was young and caught a cold, my mom, the RN - the Vietnam RN, the Standford Hospital ER nights RN, would basically lock me in my room and visit three times a day with medication.   She would keep my records in her head and update them as she would if she were doing rounds...   at home.  Like "rounds" from my room... to the living room.    It was lonely.  Being sick was never accompanied by sympathy, and often by a worst-case scenario - like when I got my fingers caught in a door and she told me I would probably lose them.  

Of course, on the flipside, when things were SERIOUS, like when my brothers would (allegedly) spike my food with acid and I got a 104˚ fever and was hallucinating my ASS off...  my mom was totally there making it better, rather than taking me to a hospital where I'd have to wait, get scared, feel uncomfortable, go home, and THEN start the process of healing.  

So in a way, I've become the opposite.  I dote.  I "mother-hen" when people I care about are sick.  I suppose it could foster a feeling of helplessness, but I feel an overwhelming need to comfort them, as I never recieved it when I was sick. 

So Jake's got a low-grade fever and I went out last night to get groceries and pharmacueticals to ease or blur the passing of the fever.  

The grocery store had shit for stock in this department... I could've purchased "children's motrin", but what the hell is that gonna do?  

So I went to Osco *(like RiteAide), at 9:55pm.  Not late for a store like that.  On the shelves, there were no boxes, but rather cards that "depicted" the boxes... like trading cards.

«kid 1» "Dude, I'll tade you two Comtrex for a Robitussen DM."
«kid 2» "No way, man... This is a multi-symptom one!"


• Robutussen Fever reducer / Body aches / knockyouonyourass. Check.

• Theraflu with acetometaphin. Check.

• Generic Ibuprohen. Check.


• hmmm.... where's the Daily "C"? Chewable Vitamin C.....

«fat bitch» "Excuse me, sir? Can I help you find something?" A fat worker was calling to me from THE OTHER END OF THE ISLE.
«me»"Yeah, do you have Daily C?"

I walk over to her from the vitamins section on the other end of the isle.

«fat bitch»"No. We have no C"
«me»"You're a drug store and you don't have vitamin C?"
«fat bitch»"Over there. In the vitamins Isle"
«me»"I can't find it."
«fat bitch»"We're closing."
«me»"so... it dissappears when you're closing?"
«fat bitch»"Can I help you find anything else?"
«me»"Yeah, I need Equal."
«fat bitch»"In the sugar isle."
«me»"You have a 'sugar' isle?"
*she points to the far corner of the store.
«me»"Can you help me locate it, 'cuz I can't find them"
«fat bitch»"I can't leave the door area."
«me»"I'm the only one in here."
«fat bitch»"I can't leave."
«me»"So you tell me to hurry by calling me away from the vitamins area where you are now pointing for me to go back and look and you won't help me to speed this up?"

I go back and search again.... I can't find it. This time she YELLS AT ME FROM ACROSS THE STORE.
«fat bitch»"SIR. WE'RE CLOSING."

Again she yells at me that they are closing, like I'm blind and stupid. So I give up on the "C" and head towards where the Equal should be. I can't find it. Again she's pestering me.

«me»"You know, if you spent half the time helping me locate this item that you are spending yelling at me and pointing to some random area, we'd be done by now."
«fat bitch»"It's right there. in 12."
«me»"I'm here, in 12 and I can't see it."
«fat bitch»"RIGHT THERE! NEXT TO THE SPLENDA" *she's billowing over the countertop with an finger outstretched to a nonspecific place.
«me»"Well you must not spend much time with the sugar substitutes because it's actually over here."

I come up to the counter and proceed with check out. She finishes with my items... except for the Robutussen... the ONE thing I came here for.

«me»"you forgot this."
«fat bitch»"you have to get that from the pharmacy window."
«me»"you can't give me Robutussen? Are you the manager?"
«fat bitch»"the superviser"
«me»"you suck at this."
«fat bitch»"The pharmacy is open tomorrow."

I throw the card across the store like a frisbee and walk out.

It's now 10:04 and everything is closed because Phoenix gets up at 4:00 am and rolls up the sidewalks at 9. I finally find a 24 Walgreens and reassemble my items.... including the Robutussen card... only THIS time, EVERYTHING is a card. There is not one item on the shelf.

I get the magic card and go up the pharmacy.

«pharmacist»"Can I see your liscence?"
«me»"for ROBUTUSSEN?"
«pharmacist»"yeah, we have to take down everyone's info..."
«me»"What is up with this? I could've scored a kilo of C-4 Explosive faster."
«pharmacist»"It's a new law... 'cuz they make Meth with all this stuff - strip the chemicals out of it and use it to make Meth..."
«me»"With ROBUTUSSEN? Jesus, whoever thought of that should be working for the space adminsitration."
* she copies my name, address and driver's liscence into a ledger
«me»"Can you help me find 'Daily C'?"
«pharmacist»"I don't think we have that."
«me»"Any chewable C will do."
«pharmacist»"We have 'Flinstones'"
«me»"Except that."
* she walks around front to help me look at the wall of vitamins
«pharmacist»"I remember my mom buying some that were made by Sunkist, but... I haven't seen any chewable C for a long time...."
«me»"What, do they make Meth with THAT TOO?"


Marketing Genius

Who know that your acid trip could potentially yield $15,000 on Ebay?


The Homosexual Agenda

The Homosexual Agenda

8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.

8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don't panic; you're not slumming.

8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.

8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.

8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.

8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.

8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.

8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.

9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.

9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him."

10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall).

10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.

11:30 a.m. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Hammer Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe.

12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.

12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend's boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.

1:00 p.m. Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d' recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.

2:30 p.m. "Dessert at your place." Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.

3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations' governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic "art" exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.

4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.

4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.

6:00 p.m. Open a fabulous new bottle of Malbec.

6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.

7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, "Over!"

7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic displays at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.

8:30 p.m. Light dinner with catty homosexual friends at a restaurant you will be "over" by the time it gets its first review in the local paper.

10:30 p.m. Cocktails at a debauched gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can't navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a cheap plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how "trashy" people who still think smoking is acceptable are.

12:00 a.m. "Nightcap at your place." Find out that people lie in bars, too.


snip snip

Federal judge rules that Utah "film sanitizers" who remove all objectionable sex, language, and violence are violating U.S. copyright laws. Customers surprised to find that the unedited version of Pulp Fiction is much longer than 16 minutes...

Apparently, other films are causing a surprise:

"3 days" was actually "9 1/2 weeks"
"Resevoir Dogs" was NOT, in fact, "101 Dalmations"
"Brokeback Mountain" did, IN FACT have actors in it
"Schinlder's List" was not, in fact, groceries

Other shockers include:

men have a penis
people swear
those strange lumps are called breasts
married couples actually sleep in the same bed and touch each other on occasion
mormons are stupid people that want to have everything their way - wanting to conform to god's laws, but still enjoy the world around them

So.... will Blockbuster Video have to replace all their movies?